Dunk Tank Tuesday: Musicals & Musicians!

10/24/2015  By  Jordan Saïd     No comments

October has arrived, and with the passing of another month has come another iteration of Dunk Tank Tuesday, the show where a Front Row Central critic watches a movie because you told him to! Yes, you, the fans, vote on a movie to make me, Front Row Central’s resident awkward genius Jordan Saïd, watch and review for our site!

Thankfully for all, I, Jordan, have started battling a head cold that has rendered me just stupid enough to step in the Dunk Tank! Voting closes on Friday, October 30, I watch the movie over the weekend (while the rest of America engages in its annual festival of cosplay and diabetes), and I post the review on Tuesday, November 3!

This month’s theme: Musicians Who Should Never Act!

I’ve mentioned before that I consider The Blues Brothers my favorite movie of all time, even though history has shown that practically no other film musical starring musicians has worked. As a musician myself, I realize my musical acumen in no way translates to creating a memorable performance as a thespian. So next weekend, I’ll watch some older, richer musicians learn this lesson the hard way, and the world will get to hear what I think of an old, shitty movie!

Can’t Stop the Music—This film opens with Steve Guttenberg on roller-skates, and I hear it gets even worse from there. Can’t Stop the Music showcases the legendary acting skills of the Village People, who hadn’t gotten the memo that disco had already died by its 1980 release date. With a supporting cast including Caitlyn Jenner (in her Bruce years), Tammy Grimes (Amanda Plummer’s mom), and Barbara Rush (in the role that demoted her to TV star), I may not have the ability to stop the music, but we all know I’ll certainly try!

From Justin to Kelly—According to legend, this film reduced its star Kelly Clarkson to tears before she even filmed it! She couldn’t get out of starring with rival singer and reality show has-been Justin Guarini in this contractually-mandated turkey, just like with your vote, I may not get out of having to watch this undoubtedly-terrible movie that banks on the unimpeachable star power of people famous only for showing up on reality TV in 2002!

Glitter—Just so you don’t think I plan to let myself easy by including movies older than me, I’ll throw in this little bomb featuring Mariah Carey. Viewers consider it among the absolute worst movies ever made. I’ve seen Zyzzyx Rd., Foodfight!, and the Star Wars Holiday Special. Can I handle a level of badness that only Mariah Carey can bring? Will we finally see the truth? That a hero lies in me? Go ahead and buy me that medal now.

The Jazz Singer—This remake of the first talkie features Neil Diamond trying to act and doing such a bad job that the soundtrack literally made more money than the movie. Despite his claim of living “Forever in Bluejeans,” the first still I found of this film has him in purple pleather with Gene Simmons’ toop and a look of pure self-delusion on his face. The supporting cast features Laurence Olivier in his openly-in-it-for-the-money years. A year later, he’d film Inchon, where he famously described the extent of his belief in his project as, “Money, dear boy.”

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band—This film exists as a musical tribute to the Beatles… starring every musician but the Beatles. Think Across the Universe with a cast consisting of two degrees of has-been. Take a look at the Wikipedia page, where the cast list has just about everyone who owned both a musical instrument and cocaine in the 70s, and under “Plot” the article has… literally nothing. I may have to watch this film anyway, just to expand my knowledge of the 70s beyond polyester and key parties.

Well, now that I’ve narrowed down my method of misery, the next step lies in your hands! Get your vote on! Then, on the off-chance that this cold kills me and relieves me of this vow, don’t forget to vote on which surviving reviewer will have to watch one of these turkeys in my place! (You better keep me alive, Joe!!) Happy voting!

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About Jordan Saïd

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Jordan Saïd does mathematics by day and writes for Front Row Central and Turban Decay by night (and weekend). He specializes in American road films, kung fu cinema, and camp (the aesthetic, not the wilderness). He lives in Eastern Washington with five cats.

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