Dunk Tank Tuesday: A Very Dunk Tank Christmas!

12/08/2015  By  Martin R. Schneider     No comments

It’s that time again, folks, and this time around, your very own Martin R. Schneider steps into the tank for a special holiday edition of our feature Dunk Tank Tuesday!

Dunk Tank Tuesday is the feature where you, the readers, get to vote on which of the following terrible films I have to watch and suffer through, then review for your twisted pleasure. Voting lasts until Saturday, December 12th, and I’ll have the review up Tuesday, December 15th!

This Month’s Theme: It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas.

Christmas, being the biggest and most commercialized holiday of the year, has drawn more than its fair share of terrible holiday films, hoping to manufacture some sense of Christmas spirit in their viewers, but mostly just causing anxiety and dread. (Like the holidays themselves, really.)

Let’s take a look at the terrible Christmas movies on the ballot this month.

Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure (2003)

Another psuedo-entry into National Lampoon’s Vacation series, but this time we don’t have Chevy Chase’s smilingly cynical mug to get us through it. No, the burden of leading man role falls to notably insane person Randy Quaid, because a character whose most memorable line is “The shitter’s full!” is definitely one that can hold a 90-minute feature together. Apparently, Cousin Eddie has to save Christmas after he gets sent to a desert island with his family and is bitten by a monkey or something along those lines?

Take a look at this scene and tell me you don’t want more. The ape has a cigar, that’s comedy gold right there.

Santa With Muscles (1994)

HEEEEEEY HULKAMANICS! Are you ready to step into the ring with this uber-90s Christmas fantasy where the Hulkster plays an evil millionaire who experiences severe brain trauma and thinks he’s Santa Claus? Then he has to fight some evil scientists who want to take over an orphanage or something? And Clint Howard is there, too?

santa-with-muscles1

That’s some fine photoshopping there, boys. Good work, design department.

 

…This is worse than Hulk joining the NWO, isn’t it?

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

I wasn’t even going to include this on the list, as I didn’t want to have to sit through this much blatant pandering to the “War on Christmas” crowd, but that was until I watched this trailer:

There’s only one way I can interpret this, and that’s to say apparently this film hinges on Kirk Cameron convincing his best friend (who is subtly named “Christian”) that consumerism is awesome and capitalism glorifies their lord and savior. That can’t even be a popular idea among fundamentalist Christians, and quite frankly I admire the total shamelessness a bit.

Jingle All The Way 2 (2014)

The second unnecessary sequel on this list, this is…. This is a re-make of Jingle All The Way starring Larry the Cable Guy. What do you want me to say here?

Jingle-All-The-Way-2-04-1

Yep. That’s what this is.

I guess this one is a battle between dad and step-dad instead of two random folk. That’s… mildly interesting, I guess. And this came from WWE Studios, so it has… a wrestler? I don’t know man, just vote below.

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About Martin R. Schneider

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Martin Schneider has opinions about a lot of things, and sometimes he writes them down. But he tries not to be a douchebag about it, though.

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