Welcome to part two of this week’s Batman v Superman postmortem. Today, Ash and Marty try desperately to untangle the villain’s actual scheme.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH, CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN LEX LUTHOR’S PLAN?
ASHLEY HERALD: Did anyone pick up on why Lex wanted Superman and Batman to fight? I could not figure out his motivation for the life of me.
MARTIN R. SCHNEIDER: Because… he wanted the world to see that Superman was fake?
ASH: But he had already framed Superman! Twice!
MARTY: Because… he knew Batman had the Kryptonite and he wanted to give Batman a reason to use it.
ASH: Why did he want people to see Superman was fake, though? What was Lex’s stake in that? Was it because his dad was victimized? Why?!
MARTY: Wait, wasn’t Lex Luthor trying to mentally torture Bruce Wayne?
ASH: But Bruce never saw the checks that whatshisname* returned, right? Though maybe he did other stuff and I didn’t catch it?
MARTY: I thought whatshisname never actually saw the checks. That… somehow Lex was intercepting that dude’s mail and… sending stuff back to Bruce?
ASH: So Lex Luthor’s plan was to steal the mail of a paraplegic, defile it, and send it to a billionaire in hopes that it would mentally tip him over the edge enough to… kill Superman? And when 18 months of that not working happened, he just hoped that paraplegic guy would be so mad after not having any money that he’d commit vandalism?
MARTY: You know what, let’s shorten that:
Lex Luthor’s plan was to steal the mail of a paraplegic.
He stole 40 mails.
That’s as many as four 10s.
And that’s terrible.
ASH: Was he planning on making Bruce Wayne fight Superman for that 18 months? How did he find out Bruce’s alter ego? Why not just fuck with Batman properly if you know his secret identity?
MARTY: Lex goes through all the trouble of smuggling in the kryptonite… because he knows Batman will steal it from him? Or does he just set up the Batman/Superman fight as a contingency plan after it’s stolen? And if so, why was he trying to torture Bruce?
Also, why did he bother applying for the import license at all if he was just going to smuggle it in anyway? To get that Homeland Security dude to give him access to Zod? He could’ve done that without harassing Holly Hunter!
ASH: Remember how Lex gained access to the sum total of knowledge from an advanced alien world and he used it to make Hulk Michael Shannon?
MARTY: Hahahaha, and because it’s a BIG REVEAL we couldn’t actually see him learning what the fuck he’s making?
ASH: Imagine a scene of intellectually curious and excited Lex Luthor asking an alien computer a series of questions about life in the universe, deciding he needs to keep this knowledge for himself, and that Superman, as the only person who could also access this information, had to be eliminated, and had to be eliminated in such a way that would leave no ties to Lex, thus Lex frames Superman for a bombing and indirectly leads Batman to the kryptonite, thus getting Batman to fight Superman.
It almost works, until investigative reporter, Lois Lane, uncovers the truth, and stops the fight by showing Batman proof that he had been manipulated by Lex.
Lois Lane bumping into Wonder Woman because they’re both investigating Lex Luthor would’ve been dope as fuck.
MARTY: Hey, wait, what was with the manufactured bullet again?
Lex Luthor made it, and then his mercenaries shot terrorists with it, because he wanted Superman to kill the terrorists, but also the CIA was there, and Lex somehow had his mercenaries embedded there and got Lois Lane to go out there to do an interview, and who the fuck knows man.
MARTY: Christ, this movie is so bad.
*Whatshisname, played by a wheelchair-bound Scoot McNairy.