Dunk Tank Tuesday: Talking to Animals

04/26/2016  By  Joseph Wade     No comments

Welcome back to Dunk Tank Tuesday, ladies and gents!

I’m taking another round in the hot seat, where you get to choose the form of my next destructor. This time around, I felt like I had been neglecting my duties as FRC’s chief talking animal critic, so I figured it was time to check in and see what’s been going on in the world of CGI critters. Each of these are pretty recent, and each one looks terrible in its own unique, soul-crushing way.

You know the drill: Check out the four candidates, then scroll to the bottom and vote for your favorite!

ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP

I don’t know how they did it, but somehow, the gods have seen fit for there to be four movies in the BCU. (That’s Bagdasarian Cinematic Universe for all you casuals out there.) After surviving a stint on a desert island and somehow not getting tossed into the drink by a pelican-suited David Cross, the chipmunks have three days to stop Dave (poor, poor Jason Lee) from proposing to his girlfriend and finally settling down into a normal, chipmunk-free life. What the hell did Dave ever do to you, Alvin?

 

NORM OF THE NORTH

Rob Schneider stars as a talking polar bear who travels to New York City to stop land developers from building condos on top of his home at the North Pole. It’s like Happy Feet with no singing or joy or entertainment value of any kind. Y’know, if these developers really want to build at the North Pole, they might want to solve global warming first so they’ll have some kind of solid, frozen substance to build all those condos on. Then again I dropped out of condo college after one semester, so what do I know?

 

OPEN SEASON: SCARED SILLY

Did you know this is the fourth movie in the Open Season franchise? After the first one, where Martin Lawrence voices a pampered bear who learns the ways of the forest from a dumbass deer voiced by Ashton Kutcher, they all went straight to video, so you’d be forgiven for not knowing. Hell, you’d be forgiven for not even knowing what Open Season even was. The only reason I’m even aware of it is because the first one came out during my time as an usher at a movie theater. The end credits of Open Season and I are well-acquainted. If I had to venture a guess based on the title, I’d say this one came out sometime around last Halloween. I bet it’s suuuuper spoooooky…

 

RUSSELL MADNESS

The first things you see in the above trailer are the words “Air Bud Entertainment”. That should be all you need to know. Russell Madness is about a Jack Russell terrier and his talking monkey trainer competing in the squared circle to keep the family wrestling business alive. As Marty pointed out to me, it’s telling that they couldn’t actually call the movie RussellMania, which would be a legitimate pun. Russell Madness means nothing. Fred Willard is in this movie, though, which is honestly all I need to go ahead and just watch it right now.

Voting closes this Friday at 5 PM EDT! Go go go!

 

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About Joseph Wade

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Joseph Wade is secretly three bulldogs in a trenchcoat. Their favorite movie is Turner & Hooch.

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